I miss you so much. I wish we could go back to how we were before. I feel so stupid for doubting you, but at the same time I know I shouldn’t care much about you anymore. I always made excuses for you to make myself feel better. But I cant help but to hate how empty I feel without you now. I understand I can live without you, but you really did know how to comfort me. You knew exactly how to turn my frown upside down with putting no effort in at all. I feel as if no one else will be able to do it like how you did and that’s what frightens me terribly. *sigh* I suppose I should just leave us in the past now because all there’s left now is memories. Sick, twisted, beautiful, scarring memories.
You’re not even apart of my life anymore and yet you consume so much of my thoughts. I lay here restless with nothing but broken memories of what we used to be and what we could have been.
I just feel lonely all the fucking time and I hate it. Friends and family tell me I can always go to them but I can’t. I dont know if I’m being a stubborn or if I rather just be by myself. But I never know what to do because I never know how I feel.
Sometimes I get so tired of telling people that I miss them. When they reply back saying “I miss you too.” it just doesnt make me feel loved in any way back. I feel as if they say it just to say it back. You know?
It’s crazy to think how far we’ve come. A year and a half of our lives and now what? What are we? What was all this? I don’t quite understand as to why things ended as how they did. Was it me? Was it you? Who knows. Either way we’re both too stubborn to admit our wrong doings. Everything you and I went through has been nothing but amazing to me. You’ve taught me so much; from staying strong when times get rough, to realizing what I need most in life. I think things ended harshly with us is because of the fact our feelings were driving us insane. We wouldn’t admit them, but I bet you that’s it. There were so many questions still yet to get answered, thoughts that were never spoken aloud, too much contradicting things whereas it exploded in our faces. I hate to say it but, I fell in love. Maybe not with you, but your personality. But that’s the thing, once I fell in love with that, everything about you suddenly became amazing, intuiging, to die for. Your gleaming smile, broad shoulders, chinky eyes, smooth jawline, cherry lips, everything. I don’t want to say I fell in love with you because honestly our entire friendship was based off texts and tweets, nothing else really. And that’s what amazes me, the fact I fell head over heels for you just by reading words, ya know? It’s not like we were together in reality or even talked on the phone on the daily basis, and it’s those two things that are usually what make people click and realize they like eachother. But as for us, as for me, your words you sent, your mentality you thought, that was all it took for me to go bonkers for you because it was just so different, so unique. The process as to how your mindset worked made me insane because all my life I’ve never met anyone like you. And it’s because of that mentality of yours, your humor was what got me most. That at no matter what time of day you could make me laugh easily without you ever having to put in the effort because eventually not even your jokes were what made me grin, it was just… You. You were different. Our friendship grew rapidly and before I knew it, I was attached. From that first day we started inboxing one another I didn’t expect things to escalate like this at all. It just happened. I know you’re probably never going to read this but… This is how I feel. This is the truth. My truth. This is everything I’ve been bottling up inside of me ever since the very beginning and the thing that sucks is that you’ll never know. You’ll never know my true feelings and I’ll never know yours. You’ll never know the infinite amount of times I’ve declared my ridiculous infatuation for you through text but ended up deleting it because of the coward I am. So if I told you I liked you, then what? Nothing could have happened. There were just too many things that conflicted with our feelings. Our trust issues. The distance. So why bother? I wanted to bother because it started slowly killing me inside. The fact that I could only go a few days without talking to you until I started missing you; that out of everyone in the world that I’ve ever met physically before; you were the one that would pop up in my dreams. I tried my best to go as long as I could without talking to you but in the end I always hit you up first, I was weak and I couldn’t do it. Even when people told me to stay away from you because they didn’t believe you were real, I stayed because I didn’t doubt. Even if your existence was a lie or not, I didn’t doubt because you made me happy. I wasn’t sure of anything but I chose to believe it was the truth because that gave me hope and happiness. You gave me hope and happiness. But now you’re gone and here I am by myself once again. What am I now? Empty? Sad? Upset? None actually. I’m stronger. You’ve made me open my eyes and look at things from millions of perspectives and I’ve realized not to ever base my happiness due to one person. Even if you were the main source of it for such a long period of time too. Maybe someday along the future you’ll come back to me or we’ll come back to eachother. And if not, I don’t regret a single thing that’s ever happened between us. It’s been a great journey with you. All in all, like I always say… Thanks.